A few weeks ago, I received the funniest bit of spam that I’ve ever read in my entire 2.5 years of blogging… (gosh, I’m such a newbie!)
It was written by someone suffering from Synonym Replacement Syndrome – a disorder that alters 80% of key words so that Google can’t accuse the author of plagiarism… but often results in hilarious, mistranslated nonsense!
Immediately, I wanted to do “something” creative with it: print it onto 24″x30″ posters, make T-shirts, or better yet – a video parody commercial for it!
I actually tinkered with the commercial idea for awhile, because there is some amazing visual imagery in this spam post, just begging to be filmed!
Occult worshippers cooking gangly meat?!
I soon realized how time-consuming a commercial would be to produce and edit, but I just couldn’t let it go. Certain phrases kept running through my head.
While washing dishes, and humming Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (a casualty of working in a retail store already playing 24/7 Christmas carols. Ugh!)…. the spam lyrics came to me, like a Holy messenger in a religious vision.
And thus a semi-original Christmas Spam Carol was born… heavily influenced by a misfit reindeer, or in this case, a convection oven that wasn’t allowed to eat any birthday hollowing pud.
I was so excited over how quickly and perfectly it came together, I started sharing my new song with everyone…. and promised a few online folks that I’d post the lyrics here on my blog. And why not sing it too?!
Despite my nervousness of singing on camera – with my ridiculous facial expressions – I set up the camcorder last night, found a YouTube karaoke piano version of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and even dug out my reindeer nightgown. It was past midnight after all… I planned to record a brief introduction, sing the song, and go to bed.
Fate it seemed had other plans. You cannot take Christmas Carol parodies lightly, it appears, especially in November.
1. Batteries Are Not Included
Well, the brief intro turned into a full-blown video blog entry, full of my usual ramblings, and as I finally started to sing the blasted song… my camera’s battery DIED! Yep. Dead.
Of course I had an AC adapter/charger, which I grumblingly plugged into the wall, but it didn’t bring the camera back to life.
After a bit of frustrated cursing at the universe, I decided to leave it plugged into the charger overnight, and go ahead to bed.
2. When Your Charger Isn’t Worth A Brass Farthing
I awoke early and refreshed in mind and spirit, and after giving the munchkins some cereal and orange juice, I retired to my studio to attempt a second recording. But the camcorder STILL wasn’t charged. Not even a sliver of battery life to squeeze from its cold metal carcass.
[Joe later discovered that one of our cats had chewed through the cable... and he spliced it back together. Too late for me though]
Things have a tendency to “happen” to all of our electronic devices at some point. Especially USB cables, chargers, and SD cards. =/
Smile, You’re on Candid Cam… Okay, Maybe Not
So the video camera didn’t pan out, but I was still wearing my reindeer nightgown so all was not lost! I had the built-in web-cam in my computer monitor, which I’d used in the past… ummm, about 2 years ago.
But it wasn’t working either. More cursing under my breath, I Googled “Why is my computer not recognizing the web-cam”… and “Why is my Web-cam Manager greyed out”… and then “Drivers for Dell Monitor Web-cam”… and finally came across an obscure tech forum with helpful advice:
When nothing else is working, have a Dell technician come to the house and jiggle the wires inside the monitor. These built-in web-cams can sometimes become disconnected inside.
Was I suffering from “loose wires”?? In more ways than one?
Perhaps creating a spam parody carol wasn’t such a good idea. I reluctantly left the studio, two hours later, to take a shower.
Great Scott! 1.21 Gigawatts?!
While in the shower, still humming the blasted Rudolph Spam song (it gets really addictive!) … it dawned on me that I didn’t necessarily need to film myself. Rather, I could simply record my voice with the karaoke track, accompanied by my spam lyrics and a cute Christmas graphic image.
Cool beans! I had a $10 Walmart microphone, and a free voice recording program. How could anything possibly go wrong?
Fate laughed at my assurances – an evil, spiteful guffaw.
Halfway through my recording, we lost electricity to our entire house. Without a cloud in the sky, on a beautiful balmy November afternoon, for 2 split seconds everything shut down…. the computer, the TV (aka Netflix cartoons), and my recording was lost forever.
Most people would surrender to these signs. They would leave the computer alone, take the kids outside, and say “Screw the whole thing”.
But the Universe and I have been at odds for a long, long time.
In this lifetime, and in past lives.
When Fate hurls a brick, I throw a mountain back.
I took a break to do a load of laundry, cook the kids’ lunch and check in with them… then I headed back up to the studio defiantly and re-recorded that spam carol in one take.
Normally, I’d record it a few times – well, until I get sick and tired of singing it, figuring ~ “One of these recordings ought to be good enough.”
Then I’ll spend some extra time in post-production to edit out microphone noises and cringe-worthy mistakes in my vocals.
But not this time. I refused to tempt Fate by wasting time tweaking and primping my voice.
It’s a spam song, for crying out loud! I don’t need to be Barbara-flipping-Streisand to sing a song about spam!
Everyone will have to accept it, and hopefully be too busy laughing at the insane lyrics to notice the few times I went flat, or ran out of breath.
Fate did get the Last Laugh, however, when like an idiot, I mispronounced “vehemently”… TWICE! ROFL
In my lame defense, it is one of those words which I’ve often read in books, but never have occasion to use in speech.
It will now haunt me every time I hear the recording….
But hey, it’s SPAM! Eat it!
(That entire sentence is ironic anyway….)
So without further ado (and apologizing for not being able to film myself in a reindeer nightgown)….
Here is my Spam Christmas Carol:
I realize you must now be completely confused…. much like I felt after reading this spam for the first time.
Here is the original, un-edited (by me), classic piece of crap literature that I received from Counter Convection Ovens, and the inspiration for my carol:
“Countertop convection ovens on sum up a insolent mein in your preparing food. Contemplate good-bye fit your ingredients burnt dotty on the bottom and un-browned in the top.
Bid hello to juicier gangly meats along with magnificent flaky pastry.
Countertop convection ranges are precise different as compared to standard scintillating heating stoves the setting that the oxygen stays in whatever way, creating hyperbolean and over become less antagonistic locations.
Throughout convection stoves, occult followers file the quality surge and realize up a in accordant vehemence which cooks foods more quick addition much more smoothly, at a lesser temperature.
The compelling oxygen ensures that the zealousness variety stays eternal on the hindquarters to the crown in the matter of ingredients, whatever holder measure you utilize.
Foods provide for at a earlier small torridness along with thirty-three % faster than standard cookers.
Without difficulty process bread chicken, biscuits, lasagna or it may be a birthday hollowing pud guts your Caboose piece convection stoves.
Chicken incrustation are growing to be panegyrical brownish having delicious, docile meat. Pastry tastes wiser and is also flakier owed to smash from the set heating about the flour and butter.”
Now that you’re in the holiday spirit, I invite you to sing along with me! Remember to pronounce “vehement” as “Vee-a-ment” …
And if your batteries are fully charged and your wires aren’t crossed, feel free to upload a video parody of this to YouTube!
Or get really creative and write your own lyrics to spam!
Trust me, there are plenty of gems out there waiting to be immortalized.
Humbug ~ who needs yet another version of “Winter Wonderland” or “Frosty the Snowman” anyway?
Let’s deck those halls with Cans O’ Spam…
and roast some gangly meat on ye’ old convection oven….
And have yourself a merry little Christmas….
“In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.”
~ Genesis 1:1
To hear a human tell it, you’d think it was The Beginning… but what do humans know?
Truthfully, the heavens and earth were created because Samson had spent entirely too long waiting for his lunch.
You see, the omnipotent Creator – to Whom Creation itself is attributed – dwelt with a black and white tomcat named Samson.
Samson was well-mannered. He didn’t spray the edges of the universe (which would be gross, considering the lack of gravity), nor did he attack Jehovah’s wiggling toes while He rested, and he even refrained from sharpening his claws on the Throne of Judgement… although he did shed a few hairs upon it, but that was to be expected from such a fluff ball as Sam.
Samson was also patient and longsuffering, which served him well as the Pet of God… since his Master was usually busy in business meetings with angel investors, and seldom remembered to feed poor Samson.
One day, God left early for work and forgot to fill Samson’s breakfast bowl… and when lunchtime passed and He hadn’t returned, Samson became very irritable and extremely hungry.
So He escaped through a wormhole that the Lord had accidentally left open, and off he went in search of food.