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Regency Cat Art Portraits, Spam Blog Comments, and Pearls of SEO Wisdom

Dominic silly tuxedo cat, aka Mr Darcy Cat

Nothing brightens my day quite like reading over the latest comments in my blog’s spam folder. :)

Crazy, huh?!
But my sanity has never been in question; it’s obvious that I have none.

Some people read newspaper comics each morning, others watch Judge Judy and Divorce Court, and still others get a daily fix of online humor from The Onion or Cracked.com….

But me? I read spam comments while sipping my sugared coffee and eating syrup-laden pancakes.

I don’t get much fan mail anymore, since I left the theatre, and no longer parade around as a costumed stock model… instead, I content myself with this:

“This website is certainly instead useful because I’m with the second making an online floral site – even though I’m only starting up out consequently it is truly pretty little, nothing at all similar to this website.”

His flattery warms my heart almost as much as this coffee does, and I’d like to thank my supportive family and friends, for encouraging me to reach for the stars and make this website instead useful.

The misspelled words and total randomness of thought are funny enough, like this gem from Kaycie:
“Yeah that’s what I’m tkailng about baby–nice work!”

Or was it Jahlin who said it first?
Or Liliam?

Everyone seems to be tkailng about it, baby!

[And in case you’re wondering, I have it on good authority that Tkailng is a Klingon wine made from some kind of animal blood.]

Other comments seem almost normal when taken out of context. It’s really amusing to be complimented on my 50% OFF Original Art Sale:
“Good post you got here. It would be great to read something else more relating to this subject.”

You can read more about this subject by visiting my Etsy shop. And perhaps thank me with a small purchase…. and you’re welcome!

Reading spam is akin to learning a foreign language. Who knew there were so many ways to spell the word article:

“So excited I found this atcrile….”
“There is a critical shortage of informative articels like this.”
“What a neat atirlce. I had no inkling.”

Wow, I had no inkling either.

But most importantly, I have to thank Tennie Kuhnen from WordPress-SEO for his invaluable and insightful critique of my website.

Tennie writes, “I noticed that your On-Page SEO is not that great, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post…”

Gee, you are absolutely right.

I need to punctuate my writing with large headers….

Because these spammy looking H tags will improve my Google score

Gotcha. What next?

Tennie remarks, “…also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization.”

So rather than italicising your quote, I should highlight KEYWORDS like, um….
Mr Darcy cat Tuxedo Feline Regency Art Portraits by TaraFly on Etsy ….

….because that looks completely natural. Not spammy at all. Right? ;)

Tennie says, “No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO.”

Now THAT is what I’m tkailng about, baby! Tell me more….

Tennie asks, “So what is good On-Page SEO? First your keyword must appear in the title.”

Okay.

“Then it must appear in the URL,” Tennie replies.

Done!

Tennie continues, “You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing).”

Uh-huh. Whoa… what?! Optimize my keywords? Density? Latent Semantic….
Flux capacitor… Hover conversions….

What are you tkailng about, Doc?
Marty, you aren’t thinking fourth dimensionally!
When the DeLorean reaches 88 mph, those keywords won’t even be there!

(Did you notice he spelled article correctly, though!)

Tennie nods appreciatively, “Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.”

Crap. Why didn’t you mention that before?

Tennie points out, “Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page.
You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.”

So I need to begin and end every post with “TaraFly’s Regency Cat Art ~ Mr Darcy Cat”.
And sprinkle a few Regency Cats and Well Dressed Felines over my left shoulder for luck.

Tennie also says, “There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword…”

Any image will do…. like this one?

Regency Cat Art, Mr Bennet Cat Portrait with SPAM

Hover your mouse over this image to read the ALT tag....

Tennie excitedly squeals, “wait there’s even more …. Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you?
That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information…”

Holy Copernicus, there’s a plug-in?! That does all of this stuff AUTOMATICALLY?

Like creating big, giant spammy headers?
And keyword stuffed ALT tags?

It will add extra keywords to my ~ Regency Cat Art ~ opening and closing paragraphs?
It will fix my titles and URLs?

[And by fix, I mean neuter… just like Mr Darcy Cat]

Sorry I won’t share the video with you. But you can Google Tennie Kuhnen’s alter-ego Daniel Tan, and his “SEOPressor Plug-in”… where you’ll find his red-hot mess of a website.
And it does appear that some crazy, auto plug-in crafted the entire thing!

(Judging from his sales page, I need to add green and red headers too…. because Google SEO really likes Christmas colors)

Be forewarned, though, even my usually reliable Pop-Up blocker didn’t prevent me from being accosted by spammy windows (and even a recorded voice!) repeatedly asking me to watch the video before leaving.

Very professional, Mr. Tan. I’m impressed.
No, seriously.

Just not impressed enough to get your plug-in… I can create spammy looking blog posts without your help.
Wait… why on earth would I do that?!

However, I was impressed by your comment. There is a critical shortage of comments like yours on the web, and I’d like to hear more about this subject….

But my coffee is getting cold, my pancakes are gone, and I have lots of projects to finish….

Like my Regency Cat Art portraits.

34 Comments

  •    Reply

    Hello Web Admin, I noticed that your On-Page SEO is is missing a few factors, for one you do not use all three H tags in your post, also I notice that you are not using bold or italics properly in your SEO optimization. On-Page SEO means more now than ever since the new Google update: Panda. No longer are backlinks and simply pinging or sending out a RSS feed the key to getting Google PageRank or Alexa Rankings, You now NEED On-Page SEO. So what is good On-Page SEO?First your keyword must appear in the title.Then it must appear in the URL.You have to optimize your keyword and make sure that it has a nice keyword density of 3-5% in your article with relevant LSI (Latent Semantic Indexing). Then you should spread all H1,H2,H3 tags in your article.Your Keyword should appear in your first paragraph and in the last sentence of the page. You should have relevant usage of Bold and italics of your keyword.There should be one internal link to a page on your blog and you should have one image with an alt tag that has your keyword….wait there’s even more Now what if i told you there was a simple WordPress plugin that does all the On-Page SEO, and automatically for you? That’s right AUTOMATICALLY, just watch this 4minute video for more information at [spammy link removed].

    •    Reply

      Bless my soul! Daniel Tan? Is that you?! I am honored that you remember me, a mere servant!

      Welcome to my humble blog ~ CAT ART FOR LITERARY PEOPLE.

      Please, holy sir, I kiss your feet and beg to hear more of your SEO Wisdom. You are truly enlightened.

  •    Reply
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    Preben O. Sangvik September 24, 2014 at 2:23 am

    Ha ha! The irony is that I came here searching after some SEO-related stuff during breakfast. (I live in Norway.) Somehow your title stood out in the search result, and I just HAD to read this. And it was entertaining. I still laughs after the “Flux capacitor”. Had my hot cup of tea here, and that could have gone bad… I am still chewing my egg-breakfast, and struggles. I just laugh.

    I have seen so many stupid spam-comments in my own blogs. I also have many Norwegian only blogs, and I get huge piles of English spam comments all day long.

    I still giggles after this post. Latent Semantic Indexing, Flux Capasitor and DeLorian. All part of good SEO. I am laughing With tears… ;-)

  •    Reply

    A piece of ertdiuion unlike any other!

  •    Reply

    I see a lot of interesting articles on your page.
    You have to spend a lot of time writing, i know how to save you a lot of work, there is a tool that creates high quality, google friendly articles in couple of seconds!

    •    Reply

      Great Googolplex! There is a tool that writes articles in mere seconds?!

      I found your website an interesting read. Allow me to quote my favorite parts ~

      “You don’t have to lose many hours writning content on your blog, you can rewrite articles from other sites and pass copyscape test. Google will love your new unique articles.”

      So, your tool will steal articles from other blogs and mangle it up to pass the filters of a Copyright-checker?

      Sweet! I wonder if it will rival the awesomeness of the Counter Convection Oven Christmas Spam Carol!

      Also, the website claims “You can earn money writing unique articles [stealing other people’s blog posts] and sell them on Fiverr or SEOclerks”

      I’ve never heard of those sites, but they must be real gems! ;) Thanks for the tip!

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